University Health Services Announces New COVID-19 Policy “Thoughts and Prayers”

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

In response to the increase in undergraduate COVID-19 cases on campus, University Health Services (UHS) has adopted a new policy to increase support for students who have tested positive for COVID-19.

“To the students who recently contracted COVID-19, we offer our deepest condolences,” said UHS Representative Dr. John Dolittle. “We want you to be aware of some of our essential new resources available for isolated students, which include, in a comprehensive way, our thoughts and prayers.”

Rona Cov ’24, a student who was recently in isolation, told the Daily PrintsAnything that the new ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ policy offers much-needed support that was missing from previous policies.

“After the University removed some of its restrictive COVID-19 policies, I was concerned about the impact COVID-19 would have on students this semester,” Cov said. “However, now that I know the University is praying for me, I finally feel like I’m getting the help I need. Who cares if I can’t leave my dorm to eat my meals or have to suffer from slow Zoom calls for conferences? I have thoughts and prayers now!”

However, not all students gave their blessing to this plan.

“As wonderful as this plan sounds, it’s a bit superficial,” Runni Knowes ’26 said. “I’m just spitting here, but I think what’s missing from Princeton’s plan are daily COVID-positive student conventions to boost morale.”

When asked if President Biden’s recent proclamation of an end to the COVID-19 pandemic influenced the “Thoughts and Prayers” policy, Dolittle explained that they were unaware when they “slapped all this together”.

“Students of all religious identities and practices have access to the University’s Thoughts and Prayers,” Dolittle noted.

Michelle Ho is a humor writer and potential freshman classics concentration. She can be contacted at [email protected]

George Tidmore is a freshman and humor writer with an interest in the study of German and linguistics. He can be contacted at [email protected]

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